Monday, January 10, 2005

3nrage yor p33nis!

I have several email accounts, and not all of them have the same anti-spam filter on them. The account I rely on most (it's not the Gmail one) doesn't have any filters at all, and lately I've been receiving a lot of spam, mostly of the Viagra-Cialis-cumshots-lose-weight-enlarge-your-penis variety.

I think the penis-enlargment folks are marketing all wrong. Here's how I'd write the ad:

NEW **PHALLITOL!!!!**
JUST THREE DAYS TO A FREAKISHLY MASSIVE COCK!!
NO TRICKS!!
GUARANTEED!!

New Phallitol actually isn't new! It's an extremely concentrated bovine growth hormone that's injected directly into your currently-scrawny penis, resulting in an amazing size difference within days, if not hours! Phallitol initiates a phenomenon our doctors have dubbed Accelerated Adult Genital Hypertrophy, or AAGH.

Imagine the look on your woman's face when she sees you limping home, burdened by a still-growing, horrifyingly huge penis! Phallitol reactions seem to have no theoretical limits! As far as we can tell, test subjects injected weeks ago are still experiencing frequent penile growth spurts!

A word of caution, though: some users have complained of split skin due to rapid penile expansion (Phallitol treatment includes a free sewing kit), while others claim their penises have grown so long that ejaculated semen remains trapped inside the urethra, never to see the light of day (Phallitol has little effect on testicles; urination is recommended for clearing out trapped semen).

But compared to the side effects of penis pumps and dubious "natural" pills, we believe that Phallitol's benefits far outweigh the risks. Making that Hulk-like transformation from Irish Curse to Scottish Caber will be one of the highlights of your sex life! Imagine spearing your lady love from across the room! From under a long conference table! From thirteen seats away on a bus!

MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOUR PHALLITOL TREATMENT TODAY!

DIAL 1-555-MOOOORE!!!


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